Thursday, July 26, 2007

stairway to heaven, meditation, & he's gone to atlanata

How long has it been since i last sat in a car and sang the entire song Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin while the guy in the seat next to me played air guitar with his eyes closed? I could not say how long it had been before last night. Sometimes it is great to revert to childhood...it allows one to feel like there may be more life left to come than one might think :-)

I went to meditation class/lecture at the local Buddhist temple on Tuesday...I liked it...I think I will go again next week...my chiropractor was there...he doesn't talk much...well truthfully I think it was my chiropractor who encourage me to go...I need something, ANYTHING, to "ease my worried mind"...

Well, after meditation on Tuesday I went to a goodbye party...the guy who kissed me in go-go booth, took my face in his hands and declared I was the kind of woman a man could fall in love with, marry and stay with for the rest of his life, took me night sailing (well that was something that happened while he was dating my whore of an ex-best-friend actually)...that lovely gentleman is gone...I did get to dance with him one last time (an indulgence my back is still punishing me for today)...he also took the time to shout my name down the bar, in front of everyone (including his girl friend and his parents), then declare that I was "truly beautiful"....

I did not realize that all of the women in the room had some connection to him until he requested that the piano player sing "To All the Girls I've Loved Before"....LOL....at least he danced with his girl friend for that song...

At least I got the chance to tell him how much I had loved the night sailing and thank him for that experience...it still ranks among the best I have had in my whole life...exhilaratingly...truly...and to thank him for being a gentleman...

He asked me, in front of everyone at the piano bar, to come home with him and stay while he slept a bit before heading out on his drive to Atlanta...he played it off like he was joking...but something in his face, after we all finished our laugh, seemed misty and a little sad...like he wished he was kidding...like knowing it would not happen was something he'd always regret...yet not regret

So strange how much little flirtations like ours can truly touch one's heart...we really have not spent very many occasions in one another's company...and he has always been some other girl's guy...but I think we both got some sweet solace out of our genuine, yet unfulfilled, affection for one another...warm yet safe...partly because of our shared, yet unspoken, knowledge that "it" was mutual AND not going to "go anywhere" beyond the flirtation...

I am sad to see him go...even though what I will be missing is not really the man...but the idea of the man...

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

i see an asshole (a thank you note)

I have been getting calls (after calls) from one of my students of late.  He used to be my favorite (yeah, I am honest enough with myself and others to admit I am the weak kind of jerk-ass teacher who has favorites).

Time after time (after time), I do not call him back because all I have seen from in the past few months is a needy, soul-sucking wimpy shadow of himself who always wants something (often money) from me...he wants me to sympathize with his own idiocy and and lack of willingness to shut off the broken record player and end his own pity party...I even got the "I'm sorry I've been in a funk and am back to myself" call from him yesterday...I still don't want to call him back...(Even if he has realized he's been a soul-sucking downer of late...his repentance  feels like a ruse...I'll just end up at a pity party with a  new broken record playing "what a jerk my woes have made me," by the collective consciousness of every lonely self-absorbed jerk symphony--with guest whiner Barbara Streisand...

Then I say to myself...hey I know someone who won't return my calls...I recently shut down my own month long pity party (I traded it for horrific physical pain)...it is nearly impossible to be in true physical agony and continue to host one's own pity party...but why would that someone, or anyone, believe me?...sounds like a ruse...

Well, now I can laugh and say ...cool... THANKS...at least I can use that example to understand... no one wants to spend time staring into the bottom of a never-draining punch cup on the broke ass sofa cushion at someone else's pity party...I WOULD NOT CALL ME BACK EITHER!

Then again...I would never tell me that I would call...when I knew good and well I would not call...either...

I told that pity partying ex-favorite of mine, on the occasion of my last accidentally picking up the phone to find him on the other end, in no uncertain terms, that I would not be helping him.  I told him I had to concentrate on healing...I even let him know that he was whining and there was nothing I could do for him as long as that was the place where he chose to dwell...kinda assholish of me...I know...but less tactless than just ignoring him..I think anyway....(and, yeah, he still calls since...hmmmmm...)

but, I would never offer him my help and then just not show up to give it...not because I am a saint...only because I am to self-pride filled to make myself into a lier just to avoid my distaste for pity parties...

Also, I figure...even if I do not want to deal with my ex-favorite...I owe myself the courtesy and dignity of remaining moderately considerate and polite....

...no need to act like and asshole just because I am being one...you know? 

The moral of the morality tale????>>>>

Even if you need to protect yourself by being and asshole to others (which can often be as innocent an act on your part as not meeting their unfounded expectations), do not lower yourself as a person by being impolite, inconsiderate or outright lying...you are better than that...you owe yourself the dignity of being disciplined enough to just tell the truth...or at least polite enough to offer plausible excuses as you edge you way toward sneaking out the back door...disciplined enough NOT to say you will call, come, go etc. when you know in your heart that you will not..that is lying...no need to lower yourself to lies...

In other words:  Protecting yourself from soul-suckers by any means necessary is as noble as kindness to strangers...so long as...you do the protecting without being inconsiderate or rude...not because the soul-sucker deserves your chivalry...but because you deserve it...how does one put it?>>>  because "you are better than that"...so be disciplined enough to forgo using empty promises (which ultimately turn into LIES) just to save your own ass in the moment...YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!!!

signed...your friendly neighborhood soul-sucker....

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Covered in Bruises

WOW!! Who knew that bartender Joey (you may recognize his name as associated with my whore of an ex best friend)...Joey's other life is as a pressure point massage therapist...

I guess I will go into the details of the accident some time later...suffice to say I was gratefully not more injured in a rather nasty car wreck...

My session with Joey yesterday has left me both feeling and looking like I've been beaten...greeny purple bruises all over...OUCH!!

None the less...this session is the most restorative treatment I have had thus far...better even than acupuncture...and acupuncture is pretty good...

anything is worth relieving the pain and swelling in my back and leg...

I can't wait for my next set of bruises !!!