Monday, August 27, 2007

Of The Flesh by Carl Phillips

If the sea could dream, and if the sea
were dreaming now, the dream
would be the usual one: Of the Flesh.
The letter written in the dream would go
something like: "Forgive me -- love, Blue."

...Carl Phillips from his book Cortege

Friday, August 3, 2007

wow

I did not plan on going out tonite...but I spent great time with GREAT people...met some young guys tonite...ambitious fresh...could not do the crowd dancing thing at the club around the corner, so I went immediately outside to sit...and WOW andy sat down just to get off his feet...instant new friend with the same thoughts...he even gave me the slips of paper from his wallet of favorite affirmations he has collected LOL...I think he said most of them came from a book I have not read "The World Greatest Manager" or something like that...his friend Mike was a joy too...a guy out with his sister at a club and who is moving away to follow his dreams of being a musician...and who left the club to apologize to a girl for following his dick rather than his reason...he said it was better to confess than to use moving in two days to run away...how refreshing in one so young...wow...before meeting those two I had a great time with anthony and chad and met nikki and smiled and laughed with jeanie...met the two french guys and the beautiful pat...wow...and I wasn't going to go out tonite...

signed...far from blue

where does one draw the line

I have made the mistake in the last week of vacillating and compromising my conviction not to let my roommate borrow the car. I had determined that, for many reasons, I was not going to let her borrow the car I am borrowing.  One of the main amongst those being that she is a grown woman who does not have a car of her own.

My only trouble is my wondering, "Who am I to be the one who drives home the message that grown people in our society, in our city, need to have cars!"...who am I NOT to just be simply generous and let her drive.  Who am I to judge differences between going to an office appointment with professionals and a trip to the beach?

Then again, is it right for me to perpetuate making it easy for her to not take responsibility for having a car.

Then again, is it even good for my own fortune to live in any form of selfishness and scarcity...is it not true that the only way to make good karmic causes toward having my own needs met is to do my best to be as generous as I can in meeting the needs of others...is "living in scarcity or miserliness" not one of the hells that poses and obstacle to enlightenment?

It does not feel right to deny her...yet it does not feel right to give give give in a way that makes it too easy for her not to do do do for herself...

Is there a difference between a need to go to an appointment and a want to go to the beach?

Can I, should I, be the judge?

You know though...her current stomping around the house making as much noise as possible in frantic random acts of cleaning, ever since I told her no about the car, is pissing me off a little...and her turning on a movie in the living room (where I am), then going into her bedroom and turning up music LOUDLY...all while she knows I am trying to work (or was trying) is beginning to PSS ME OFF

...and instead of feeling justified in being pissed...I feel like I should be more in control of my own mind thoughts and emotions than to let her "get to me"...

I really can't stand this state of being annoyed...I really need to LIVE ALONE...or maybe live with someone who wants to be living with me (for my company...because my presence can offer them some small comfort...because they know that their company offers me the same...like a cat or a dog, maybe)

I have learned things about sharing space with my first not family roommate...I am wondering if I have learned all I can here though...I almost wish I did not like the location where I live so much...I wish I felt it was easier to move on...

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

can't get it straight

why can't I get hold of the need to know people?  I am soooooo unimpressed by the "who's who" that I wonder if I am socially afflicted or something.  I see, quite often, people reaping the benefit of know the "who's who".  Yet, I do not want to know them...I guess I really don't want to know much of anyone...a few close friends...a few members of my burgeoningly large family...that's it...

I guess I just can't see how running in social circles...or an other kind of circles... is going to enlighten my soul...I can't seem to make any direct connection between knowing people and deepening my soul's capacity for compassion toward humanity as a whole (or even people as individuals at a time of need).

i want to be quiet and learn...but maybe that is the selfish path...or maybe not...I think I might be better off in some circumstances if I knew more people to turn to for help...then again if I knew a plethora of people to help me, I may never help myself...

I wish I lived alone.  But I am glad for the things I have learned from sharing space...I have had to face many things that had not come into my sphere of knowing before...though some may be considered suffering...these learning experiences have opened my eyes...

alone...yes...ah well..i am where i am for now...