My Intent is to do what I can in THIS moment, as if the future were not an option, with the knowledge that inertia=nonexistance | Intent.com

My Intent is to do what I can in THIS moment, as if the future were not an option, with the knowledge that inertia=nonexistance | Intent.com

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I keep wrapping myself up in them again and again...How can some one be so foolish?

especially people who care about strangers who say they care about social injustice do you only care about the bleeding crowd

Musical: Hair
Song: Easy to Be Hard

How can people be so heartless
How can people be so cruel
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who care about evil
And social injustice
Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd?
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people be so heartless
You know I'm hung up on you
Easy to give in
Easy to help out

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who say they care about social injustice
Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

I married on of these people...and I seem to keep wrapping myself up in them again and again...

How can some one be so foolish?
How can someone be so blind?

nothing profound to today...

just Revelations...

Be Careful Which Wold You Feed

Interesting old Cherokee legend that tells us that our state of mind is our choice.
Read it here:
Be Careful Which Wolf You Feed

living downtown

living downtown

my street, more alley
is the shortcut
to every urban pleasure

they pass beneath
the bathroom window

i keep it open
to let in out
out in

i never go
there, into the street
i can hear just fine
from here

which indie films
were the good ones

which chef ventured
too far-out
even for these
pedestrian
nouveau-riche

the last audible
measures from the
live concert
find their way
through the mesh
in my screen

i smoke cigarettes
on the toilet seat
and sing

Walking Home Alone...in the Dark

I just walked home alone...after 2 am...from a bar...half happy...half drunk...I left a former student there...he calls me Mom now...and said he'd be home later....

I actually met a man tonight...he asked for my number...he's younger...as usual...I'll never understand why the younger guys are always the one's to go for me...and I do mean "go for me"...he actually got up and crossed the room to sit at my table and talk to with me for hours...or shout at me, really...why is the music always soooooo loud?

I was annoyed, at first when my adopted student son called and insisted he was coming over for the evening...but, in the end, I am glad to have spent too much money feeding and entertaining him...I need to get out more...I too often forget that all the "life" one could wish for is within walking distance when one lives "downtown"....

I still wonder about leaveing my "son" to find his way "home"...I won't sleep until he's in and safely snuggled in on the couch...you'd think I'd actually birthed him from the way I foster and fawn...

I am typing like a drunk...too much backspacing and spell-checking....

I am so grateful to have had fun this evening...into night...on till morning...and that is good...and sad....

I need to find a cure for reclusive...

Water...yes...drink some water...

and go to bed....with one ear open...listening for the child to settle in....

The Sand to My Pearl

Wow...I have not posted in this blog for a while. The poem below is a snippet from a post on my other blog that just seemed right for this one too:

The Sand to My Pearl

from Sand i learned falling
slowly
eyes wide open
seeing each layer pass
toward the depths of
in love

before i had only known
the quick plunge
into bed
even more quickly wed
then gone

Sand touched me so right
in all the wrong places

i knew love could be
torture
now i know how
to leave the torment
and carry the love
away

Sand scratched
all the old places
where wounds
never sealed
only scarred

Sand taught me to roll
old pain in that womb
where I grow myself
anew
to shine
from behind
wise eyes

the Sand now Pearl
is you


by blue 1/2008

I just saw a strange sad thing

I was proceeded into Publix grocery by a little old man with a rather bow-legged walk and bright darting eyes, magnified by big glasses.

He walked past a bin of avacados and pocketed one.

He walked up the dairy isle, picked up a quart of milk and put it in his cart, opened the Publix sales flier and pretended to read as he scanned the isle with his bug-like eyes.

When he thought the coast was clear, he twisted the small side cap from the carton and gulped down half the quart in a matter of seconds. Moments later he began scanning the dairy as if looking for another purchase, then surreptitiously replaced the half empty carton to exactly where he had plucked it.

Noticing my noticing him, he toddled off with amazing bow-legged speed and disappeared around the corner.

I said nothing and did nothing. I thought anything I could say or do would only add to the mixture of embarrassment and defiance I saw when those bugged eyes met mine.

a strange sad thing

I was proceeded into Publix grocery by a little old man with a rather bow-legged walk and bright darting eyes, magnified by big glasses.

He walked past a bin of avacados and pocketed one.

He walked up the dairy isle, picked up a quart of milk and put it in his cart, opened the Publix sales flier and pretended to read as he scanned the isle with his bug-like eyes.

When he thought the coast was clear, he twisted the small side cap from the carton and gulped down half the quart in a matter of seconds. Moments later he began scanning the dairy as if looking for another purchase, then surreptitiously replaced the half empty carton to exactly where he had plucked it.

Noticing my noticing him, he toddled off with amazing bow-legged speed and disappeared around the corner.

I said nothing and did nothing. I thought anything I could say or do would only add to the mixture of embarrassment and defiance I saw when those bugged eyes met mine.

greatest honor

when student becomes
teacher and teacher
student
herein lies
the teacher's
greatest honor

---

tonight I went out with a man
who had but hours ago been a boy
i was rescued from a woman who
thought herself shrewed

i am a mom
i will take care of her
she said

she is MY mom
let me take care of her

and he took possession of me
and we left that place

he had called and told me we were going out
he ordered tequila shots
he ordered & ordered
me to shut up
to stop
living

he told me i lived in the past
he said shhhhhh

we walked on the beach
he said you never answered my question
with a command
that garnered an answer
I gave

he sang
i'm tired and i wanna to go to bed
and gestured
i joined
without choice
we sang
the stars to sleep

he drove
my car

and i am here
NOW
and he is gone

i have been
tamed by my own words

i now am
honored
and
present

no more past

the student is now the teacher

all has passed

contentment & chaos

everything around me is in chaos and i haven't slept in days...
this computer screen is burning behind my closed eyes...
wide open...
closed...
wide open...
closed...

haven't had a shower or eaten a thing...
can't remember...
when is when?

yet

i am so...
so...
so...
so...
so-so...
content

knowing...

everything i have
and everything i haven't got....

i chose....

and i get to keep it
all...

contentment and chaos 'til the day i die...

if i choose...

and i choose...
and i choose...
and i choose...
and
i
choose

........................................................................love

the only thing that isn't here
now...

i choose

love



love love love love love love love,

luv, blue

Prayer of Saint Francis

I am really not much of a Christian...but this is just a beautiful sentiment...not matter its origin:


Prayer of Saint Francis


Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

house unclearing LOL

well...I was supposed to have a house cleansing ceremony last Friday...this is a part of my native american heritage (smudged sage, candles, etc...)...I consulted with a friend who is well versed in these things and he advised that I only include men in the ceremony...as all of the negativity in my life of late has been coiled up in women...and, as he put it, I have enough female energy to send a herd of musking elephants into a frenzy all on my own...LOL...

men...humph...I once wrote a poem called "some kind of broken" about men (another post maybe)...only one of the 6 men invited actually made it here...4 had very good reasons...ranging from being out of the state, to having to work because of the Jewish holiday, to my having planned this thing on such short notice...the sixth just did not show...i still hope/worry that all is okay with him, as I have heard nothing...but that in itself is a whole 'nother story...and that is also quite forgivably "just him"....

the house cleansing ceremony needed 3 people...in the version I had planned anyway...and it is okay that the cleansing did not happen because i really had not done all the cleaning I wanted to complete before cleansing...so the bread breaking and wine drinking with the one man who showed was a pleasant substitute...

I guess I will have to have a cleansing after the furniture and stuff is moved in...which was not what I wanted, but oh well...i will find a time for the house cleansing before I have a house warming...and I am looking forward to throwing myself a house warming party...(women included...the right/positive women anyway)

ah well...all things in their time....

signed...pffft...humph....blue

flower-child Frankenstein

It is strange how being exhausted can let the mind see clearly, with pointed focus...drained and unable to look at more than a single minute bit...

I am exhausted and have been overcome by these moments of clarity of late...

my body is healing and tired...my mind is wasted and drained...and yet I see things so rawly...

I discovered in listening to my young friend who has deemed me his "mentor" (scary) that truly listening can be both exhausting and revelatory...

I have been talking a great deal of late...well not so much a great deal...i more have been talking in sporadic torrents...endlessly circling whatever subject happens to be assaulting my mind at the moment...then long silences over take me...silences that make it hard to even give an "h-huh" to those nearby...

one glimpse of clarity has shown me that much of what i say is said out of my own perception of expectations...the world expects that one will be angry at this or frustrated by that...the world expects that one will tell excited stories of ones adventures...so i have been saying the words that show this...rarely deeply feeling any of the anger or frustration...

I speak...sometimes on and on...to fulfill my expected role as a member...

another glimpse has shown me that i speak to hide...i talk about the mundane things to hide the extraordinary (as is odd rather than as in grand) things that i am actually thinking...i am not sure why i do this...the only guess i can make is that i was so often teased as a youngster for my "shyness" (which wasn't so much shyness as it was a tendency toward acute observation rather than participation)...then i was also teased when i would speak up and what i had to say was so far removed from "the expected"/"the accepted"...so, i think i just started imitating the kind jabbering those around me engaged in...

another moment of clarity showed that i think i speak of some mundane things seeking the affirmation that others are actually seeing what i see...i have often found that i am not perceiving or participating in the generally shared vision or point-of-view...I am not sure i have come to terms with accepting that difference in myself as okay...i don't think i am crazy or "special"...I just grew up in a very different environment than average...therefore my learned perspective is a bit askew from "the norm"...

people who talk a lot are exhausting...maybe that is why so few people enjoy my company lately...this talking a lot thing is new for me...maybe because all things about my life have been so new for me since i lost the hovering protection of my father...

I guess the hardest thing for me to truly understand is why i have taken up this talking...I think it may actually be a way to keep people at a distance...a way to make sure that they don't get close enough to see inside and discover how truly odd i am...i can no longer run home to daddy where it is safe to just be me...

this protective shell may be an instinctual defense as well...i had learned a bit about the nasty nature of people and the world in general before i was thrust out here on my own...and I have learned so much more in these two years...

What I have learned:

-people like mean selfish deceitful bitches...not nice people who genuinely care for others (and try to do so actively/with their deeds as often as they can)
-people do not like people who tell the truth
-people do not like people who don't need or expect things from others...particularly if those without needs or expectations can provide for themselves
-people DO like people who use other people as a means to gain material things...especially when the users get angry at the usees when the material objects are denied them...and people have even more affinity for those who get openly angry and indignant about not getting what they want
-people think nice people are stupid and weak
-people think that people who "don't sweat the small stuff" are targets for being used, lied to, unappreciated and slandered...because they don't throw temper tantrums every time they are mistreated
-people don't like generous people
-people do not respect other people's space or belongings...however they expect to have their spaces and belongings respected
-men do not like women who care for and value them as people (rather than as meal tickets or sex objects)
-my parents made a mistake when they undertook this Utopian experiment in child rearing...i know for a fact that i was "programmed" from birth to manifest the things that the collective society claims to be virtuous...I am no saint...no manifest perfection...but i am distasteful in my resemblance to "what's good"...

I am truly clinical about my nature lately...I do not see all of this ingrained honesty and generosity and active caring as a manifestation of some higher good...i only wonder...and even suffer...over the fact that i was "made" this way (by parents who i am sure had good intentions)...made the way people claim people should be...the way people often wrongly proclaim themselves to be...and in the end, I am just an unlikable oddity that people seek to disdain...

or, for some, the reality of me is an ephemeral figment that people refuse to believe in...people figure i must not be "for real" so they begin attaching ulterior motives to my every word and deed...

I am sick of living out this Pavlovian experiment in virtue...I wonder if it is too late for this dog to to learn a new trick?...to learn to truly be a selfish bitch (rather than just faining the role for show at those moments when i have learned that acting bitchy is more socially desirable than reaching out with compassion...after all, unconditional unsolicited LOVE scares people...bitches are comfortable...because bitches people understand).

no wonder my mother thinks i should move back home...she knows...she may even feel guilty...that i am not ready for such an ugly world world full of ugly hearted people...or is it that the world is not ready for me...the embodiment of a flower-child Frankenstein

one last thought...why is it that when, after enduring more human "ick" than almost anyone would tolerate, when my virtue finally fails me and i fall from all my grace...why then am i seen as a villain beyond all villains??? when i finally get mad...say i have had enough...tell those who take advantage of my ingrained generosity to quit their unappreciative demands for "more more NOW NOW"...why am i seen as wrong for balking against usurious greed...while the user is seen as justified in demanding more and more and appreciating less and less--to be patted on the back and coddled by "the people" with warm words of "I know, I know...she had no right to treat you that way...she had no right to tell you the truth about your unappreciative greed...she soooo soooo mean"

this entry is signed...next time just cut off a limb...or the next person in need who crosses my path is getting kicked in the fucking teeth!! Fuck bailing people out...fuck offering moral support...fuck loving the beauty within these bastards...

signed...kiss blue's ass...

he asked why...he asked who...trust...and words more than weapons

"I want you to know me." "why?" he asked...I said I did not know...but I think we both do know...I him to know me because I want him...what does it mean to want him?...i truly do not know what all that entails...his company, his companionship, to enjoy all the wonderful things he is...to learn from all the less than wonderful...to bask in his brightness...to explore and discover on his dark places...to learn to trust and understand him him in all of his multiplicities...most of all to experience my own feelings again...for so long my feelings/emotions have been locked away...and without knowing why or that it would happen...whoosh...he makes me feel...the deepest and warmest things & and the shallowest of joyous things & the painful and wrenching things...all of it...he also makes me know that i can not grow if i do not feel...I want to know him because he has some power/magic to place me back on the path toward becoming...i hope toward becoming the best of me...or at least a better me...

I had a bizarre experience this week... involving being accused of things i am incapable of...one in which i was threatened...one I choose to allow to be in the past without rehashing it here or anywhere else...yet one piece of it lingers...he asked me over and over if i could think of anyone i had spoken to who might have started the saga by revealing what I had said...as he asked me it crossed my mind that he asked over and over because he knew who...but i did not want to think that he would not just come out and tell me if he knew...after the conversation the question "was it him?" crossed my mind...I will always wonder...but I doubt I will ever ask...because as a part of the next issue "trust" i want to choose to believe that whether it was him or someone else he knew of he would have just told me the truth...

i want so much to trust this man...it is almost irrational...i did tell him that i did not trust him...that was a truth...he knows he has a way of saying he will be glad to help then never appearing to offer assistance...he knows he has a way of making "dates" then canceling or simply not showing up...i think we had a good honest conversation about the subject...yet afterward I was left with the feeling that two important things were never said...1. he said more than once that I had trusted him to pick me up in his car (one a short trip, one a gallant long journey that was truly a kind sacrifice...i was disturbed a little by his repeating "you trusted me to drive you..." it troubled me that he may have seen my asking those acts of support from him then stating later that i did not trust him constituted me somehow "using him"...i can only hope that he knows that is so very untrue...my feelings of distrust came upon me suddenly and after both of those great favors...and I appreciate ever little thing and every big thing he has ever done for me...a depth of appreciation I am not sure I could find words to express...i also want him to understand that where my trust is concerned the little things and the big ones hold equal weight...a short trip to the movie theater and an hours-long drive are the same for me in terms of the trust i place in a person carrying through...lastly, there are many layers and kinds of trust...only the layer involving "showing up/ giving of his time" has been damaged with me...I still deeply trust this man not to hurt me (emotionally or physically)...I still deeply trust this man to "be on my side" (speak well of me and help me succeed in my ambitions in any way he can)...I want to regain all levels of trust in him more than I can say...but to repair my trust in his desire to give me the gift of sharing his time will take actions...it will take him actually giving me the gift of his time...right now I feel as though I am not valuable enough to him to receive the gift of his company...only he could change that...if he wanted...if he does not want to change that...I am sure i will eventually abandon my hope and find a place to store that piece of sad disappointment on the internal shelf with the other disappointments that have come to me in my life...

in telling him i did not trust him, i admit i used my words as weapons...but in the last conversation we had he called my words "poetic"...yet and still I left that conversation feeling that the impression he held foremost in his mind was the one of my words as daggers...I truly hope he also sees/remembers that my words iterate love and praise and find their way to describing the beauty in this world...sometimes in ways that others can find quite moving...even, sometimes, in ways that bring people to see wonder they had never noticed before...my words can be my armor and weapons...yes...but that is not the majority of what my words convey...

well...it is a moving on time in my life...I have known this for some months now...I had thought that moving on necessarily meant moving away...but i have come to realize that there are many things I have yet to learn from being here...though I would never burden anyone with the responsibility of "being the reason i stayed"...well, to be fully honest...i do not think anyone could be the reason I stay...at least I have not found that bond with anyone yet...that said...I will also be totally honest and admit...though it is certainly not the entire reason...having a chance/giving myself a chance...to know this man (if he will give me the chance) and having him know me played at least some part in my choice to stay...but if that chance is not given...I will not regret having stayed...there are many other factors...it is important to me that he does not feel "pressured/responsibilities" by or for my remaining...

How to you let someone know that they are important to you...for apparently no reason at all...I wish I could share time with him...but not sharing time does not make him any less important to me...it does not diminish my view of him a a beautiful, unique blessing in the world...it does not diminish my wish that more people could truly see that in him...he is by no means saintly or perfect...but he is unique..

On the fact that he makes me feel: the writer Eckhart Tolle speaks to the fact that we can not grow unless we face what he calls our "pain body"...I choose to believe that, equally, we can not grow if we do not face our "joy body"...to face either of these things we (humans) much be in touch with and deeply experience our feelings as tools for learning of ourselves and our connection to the universe...it has been true that I have been emotionally and spiritually stagnant because I simply did not feel...Tolle also says that, if two people can make a conscious pact to share in the process of growth, even the negative feelings they spark in one another can be a point of learning....i believe that this is equally (more than equally) true of the wonderful feelings that can only arise from sharing of ourselves with others...

He has told me that my saying I love him scares him, he has told me that he shies from the way in which I stir long hidden emotions in him...i do not want to bring him discomfort...so i will understand his keeping a distance from me...

I am busy now...so many changes in my life...but i will think of him fondly and often in the quite spaces between the hustle and bustle...i can only wait and see if I am lucky enough/worthy enough for him to find me a desirable use of his time...

he is always in my wishes and prayers for wellness and joy...

ah well...time to get back to the cybergrind and the brick and mortar chaos...

as always....love blue

Of The Flesh by Carl Phillips

If the sea could dream, and if the sea
were dreaming now, the dream
would be the usual one: Of the Flesh.
The letter written in the dream would go
something like: "Forgive me -- love, Blue."

...Carl Phillips from his book Cortege

wow

I did not plan on going out tonite...but I spent great time with GREAT people...met some young guys tonite...ambitious fresh...could not do the crowd dancing thing at the club around the corner, so I went immediately outside to sit...and WOW andy sat down just to get off his feet...instant new friend with the same thoughts...he even gave me the slips of paper from his wallet of favorite affirmations he has collected LOL...I think he said most of them came from a book I have not read "The World Greatest Manager" or something like that...his friend Mike was a joy too...a guy out with his sister at a club and who is moving away to follow his dreams of being a musician...and who left the club to apologize to a girl for following his dick rather than his reason...he said it was better to confess than to use moving in two days to run away...how refreshing in one so young...wow...before meeting those two I had a great time with anthony and chad and met nikki and smiled and laughed with jeanie...met the two french guys and the beautiful pat...wow...and I wasn't going to go out tonite...

signed...far from blue

where does one draw the line

I have made the mistake in the last week of vacillating and compromising my conviction not to let my roommate borrow the car. I had determined that, for many reasons, I was not going to let her borrow the car I am borrowing.  One of the main amongst those being that she is a grown woman who does not have a car of her own.

My only trouble is my wondering, "Who am I to be the one who drives home the message that grown people in our society, in our city, need to have cars!"...who am I NOT to just be simply generous and let her drive.  Who am I to judge differences between going to an office appointment with professionals and a trip to the beach?

Then again, is it right for me to perpetuate making it easy for her to not take responsibility for having a car.

Then again, is it even good for my own fortune to live in any form of selfishness and scarcity...is it not true that the only way to make good karmic causes toward having my own needs met is to do my best to be as generous as I can in meeting the needs of others...is "living in scarcity or miserliness" not one of the hells that poses and obstacle to enlightenment?

It does not feel right to deny her...yet it does not feel right to give give give in a way that makes it too easy for her not to do do do for herself...

Is there a difference between a need to go to an appointment and a want to go to the beach?

Can I, should I, be the judge?

You know though...her current stomping around the house making as much noise as possible in frantic random acts of cleaning, ever since I told her no about the car, is pissing me off a little...and her turning on a movie in the living room (where I am), then going into her bedroom and turning up music LOUDLY...all while she knows I am trying to work (or was trying) is beginning to PSS ME OFF

...and instead of feeling justified in being pissed...I feel like I should be more in control of my own mind thoughts and emotions than to let her "get to me"...

I really can't stand this state of being annoyed...I really need to LIVE ALONE...or maybe live with someone who wants to be living with me (for my company...because my presence can offer them some small comfort...because they know that their company offers me the same...like a cat or a dog, maybe)

I have learned things about sharing space with my first not family roommate...I am wondering if I have learned all I can here though...I almost wish I did not like the location where I live so much...I wish I felt it was easier to move on...

can't get it straight

why can't I get hold of the need to know people?  I am soooooo unimpressed by the "who's who" that I wonder if I am socially afflicted or something.  I see, quite often, people reaping the benefit of know the "who's who".  Yet, I do not want to know them...I guess I really don't want to know much of anyone...a few close friends...a few members of my burgeoningly large family...that's it...

I guess I just can't see how running in social circles...or an other kind of circles... is going to enlighten my soul...I can't seem to make any direct connection between knowing people and deepening my soul's capacity for compassion toward humanity as a whole (or even people as individuals at a time of need).

i want to be quiet and learn...but maybe that is the selfish path...or maybe not...I think I might be better off in some circumstances if I knew more people to turn to for help...then again if I knew a plethora of people to help me, I may never help myself...

I wish I lived alone.  But I am glad for the things I have learned from sharing space...I have had to face many things that had not come into my sphere of knowing before...though some may be considered suffering...these learning experiences have opened my eyes...

alone...yes...ah well..i am where i am for now...

stairway to heaven, meditation, & he's gone to atlanata

How long has it been since i last sat in a car and sang the entire song Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin while the guy in the seat next to me played air guitar with his eyes closed? I could not say how long it had been before last night. Sometimes it is great to revert to childhood...it allows one to feel like there may be more life left to come than one might think :-)

I went to meditation class/lecture at the local Buddhist temple on Tuesday...I liked it...I think I will go again next week...my chiropractor was there...he doesn't talk much...well truthfully I think it was my chiropractor who encourage me to go...I need something, ANYTHING, to "ease my worried mind"...

Well, after meditation on Tuesday I went to a goodbye party...the guy who kissed me in go-go booth, took my face in his hands and declared I was the kind of woman a man could fall in love with, marry and stay with for the rest of his life, took me night sailing (well that was something that happened while he was dating my whore of an ex-best-friend actually)...that lovely gentleman is gone...I did get to dance with him one last time (an indulgence my back is still punishing me for today)...he also took the time to shout my name down the bar, in front of everyone (including his girl friend and his parents), then declare that I was "truly beautiful"....

I did not realize that all of the women in the room had some connection to him until he requested that the piano player sing "To All the Girls I've Loved Before"....LOL....at least he danced with his girl friend for that song...

At least I got the chance to tell him how much I had loved the night sailing and thank him for that experience...it still ranks among the best I have had in my whole life...exhilaratingly...truly...and to thank him for being a gentleman...

He asked me, in front of everyone at the piano bar, to come home with him and stay while he slept a bit before heading out on his drive to Atlanta...he played it off like he was joking...but something in his face, after we all finished our laugh, seemed misty and a little sad...like he wished he was kidding...like knowing it would not happen was something he'd always regret...yet not regret

So strange how much little flirtations like ours can truly touch one's heart...we really have not spent very many occasions in one another's company...and he has always been some other girl's guy...but I think we both got some sweet solace out of our genuine, yet unfulfilled, affection for one another...warm yet safe...partly because of our shared, yet unspoken, knowledge that "it" was mutual AND not going to "go anywhere" beyond the flirtation...

I am sad to see him go...even though what I will be missing is not really the man...but the idea of the man...

i see an asshole (a thank you note)

I have been getting calls (after calls) from one of my students of late.  He used to be my favorite (yeah, I am honest enough with myself and others to admit I am the weak kind of jerk-ass teacher who has favorites).

Time after time (after time), I do not call him back because all I have seen from in the past few months is a needy, soul-sucking wimpy shadow of himself who always wants something (often money) from me...he wants me to sympathize with his own idiocy and and lack of willingness to shut off the broken record player and end his own pity party...I even got the "I'm sorry I've been in a funk and am back to myself" call from him yesterday...I still don't want to call him back...(Even if he has realized he's been a soul-sucking downer of late...his repentance  feels like a ruse...I'll just end up at a pity party with a  new broken record playing "what a jerk my woes have made me," by the collective consciousness of every lonely self-absorbed jerk symphony--with guest whiner Barbara Streisand...

Then I say to myself...hey I know someone who won't return my calls...I recently shut down my own month long pity party (I traded it for horrific physical pain)...it is nearly impossible to be in true physical agony and continue to host one's own pity party...but why would that someone, or anyone, believe me?...sounds like a ruse...

Well, now I can laugh and say ...cool... THANKS...at least I can use that example to understand... no one wants to spend time staring into the bottom of a never-draining punch cup on the broke ass sofa cushion at someone else's pity party...I WOULD NOT CALL ME BACK EITHER!

Then again...I would never tell me that I would call...when I knew good and well I would not call...either...

I told that pity partying ex-favorite of mine, on the occasion of my last accidentally picking up the phone to find him on the other end, in no uncertain terms, that I would not be helping him.  I told him I had to concentrate on healing...I even let him know that he was whining and there was nothing I could do for him as long as that was the place where he chose to dwell...kinda assholish of me...I know...but less tactless than just ignoring him..I think anyway....(and, yeah, he still calls since...hmmmmm...)

but, I would never offer him my help and then just not show up to give it...not because I am a saint...only because I am to self-pride filled to make myself into a lier just to avoid my distaste for pity parties...

Also, I figure...even if I do not want to deal with my ex-favorite...I owe myself the courtesy and dignity of remaining moderately considerate and polite....

...no need to act like and asshole just because I am being one...you know? 

The moral of the morality tale????>>>>

Even if you need to protect yourself by being and asshole to others (which can often be as innocent an act on your part as not meeting their unfounded expectations), do not lower yourself as a person by being impolite, inconsiderate or outright lying...you are better than that...you owe yourself the dignity of being disciplined enough to just tell the truth...or at least polite enough to offer plausible excuses as you edge you way toward sneaking out the back door...disciplined enough NOT to say you will call, come, go etc. when you know in your heart that you will not..that is lying...no need to lower yourself to lies...

In other words:  Protecting yourself from soul-suckers by any means necessary is as noble as kindness to strangers...so long as...you do the protecting without being inconsiderate or rude...not because the soul-sucker deserves your chivalry...but because you deserve it...how does one put it?>>>  because "you are better than that"...so be disciplined enough to forgo using empty promises (which ultimately turn into LIES) just to save your own ass in the moment...YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!!!

signed...your friendly neighborhood soul-sucker....