I just saw a strange sad thing

I was proceeded into Publix grocery by a little old man with a rather bow-legged walk and bright darting eyes, magnified by big glasses.

He walked past a bin of avacados and pocketed one.

He walked up the dairy isle, picked up a quart of milk and put it in his cart, opened the Publix sales flier and pretended to read as he scanned the isle with his bug-like eyes.

When he thought the coast was clear, he twisted the small side cap from the carton and gulped down half the quart in a matter of seconds. Moments later he began scanning the dairy as if looking for another purchase, then surreptitiously replaced the half empty carton to exactly where he had plucked it.

Noticing my noticing him, he toddled off with amazing bow-legged speed and disappeared around the corner.

I said nothing and did nothing. I thought anything I could say or do would only add to the mixture of embarrassment and defiance I saw when those bugged eyes met mine.

a strange sad thing

I was proceeded into Publix grocery by a little old man with a rather bow-legged walk and bright darting eyes, magnified by big glasses.

He walked past a bin of avacados and pocketed one.

He walked up the dairy isle, picked up a quart of milk and put it in his cart, opened the Publix sales flier and pretended to read as he scanned the isle with his bug-like eyes.

When he thought the coast was clear, he twisted the small side cap from the carton and gulped down half the quart in a matter of seconds. Moments later he began scanning the dairy as if looking for another purchase, then surreptitiously replaced the half empty carton to exactly where he had plucked it.

Noticing my noticing him, he toddled off with amazing bow-legged speed and disappeared around the corner.

I said nothing and did nothing. I thought anything I could say or do would only add to the mixture of embarrassment and defiance I saw when those bugged eyes met mine.

greatest honor

when student becomes
teacher and teacher
student
herein lies
the teacher's
greatest honor

---

tonight I went out with a man
who had but hours ago been a boy
i was rescued from a woman who
thought herself shrewed

i am a mom
i will take care of her
she said

she is MY mom
let me take care of her

and he took possession of me
and we left that place

he had called and told me we were going out
he ordered tequila shots
he ordered & ordered
me to shut up
to stop
living

he told me i lived in the past
he said shhhhhh

we walked on the beach
he said you never answered my question
with a command
that garnered an answer
I gave

he sang
i'm tired and i wanna to go to bed
and gestured
i joined
without choice
we sang
the stars to sleep

he drove
my car

and i am here
NOW
and he is gone

i have been
tamed by my own words

i now am
honored
and
present

no more past

the student is now the teacher

all has passed

contentment & chaos

everything around me is in chaos and i haven't slept in days...
this computer screen is burning behind my closed eyes...
wide open...
closed...
wide open...
closed...

haven't had a shower or eaten a thing...
can't remember...
when is when?

yet

i am so...
so...
so...
so...
so-so...
content

knowing...

everything i have
and everything i haven't got....

i chose....

and i get to keep it
all...

contentment and chaos 'til the day i die...

if i choose...

and i choose...
and i choose...
and i choose...
and
i
choose

........................................................................love

the only thing that isn't here
now...

i choose

love



love love love love love love love,

luv, blue

Prayer of Saint Francis

I am really not much of a Christian...but this is just a beautiful sentiment...not matter its origin:


Prayer of Saint Francis


Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

house unclearing LOL

well...I was supposed to have a house cleansing ceremony last Friday...this is a part of my native american heritage (smudged sage, candles, etc...)...I consulted with a friend who is well versed in these things and he advised that I only include men in the ceremony...as all of the negativity in my life of late has been coiled up in women...and, as he put it, I have enough female energy to send a herd of musking elephants into a frenzy all on my own...LOL...

men...humph...I once wrote a poem called "some kind of broken" about men (another post maybe)...only one of the 6 men invited actually made it here...4 had very good reasons...ranging from being out of the state, to having to work because of the Jewish holiday, to my having planned this thing on such short notice...the sixth just did not show...i still hope/worry that all is okay with him, as I have heard nothing...but that in itself is a whole 'nother story...and that is also quite forgivably "just him"....

the house cleansing ceremony needed 3 people...in the version I had planned anyway...and it is okay that the cleansing did not happen because i really had not done all the cleaning I wanted to complete before cleansing...so the bread breaking and wine drinking with the one man who showed was a pleasant substitute...

I guess I will have to have a cleansing after the furniture and stuff is moved in...which was not what I wanted, but oh well...i will find a time for the house cleansing before I have a house warming...and I am looking forward to throwing myself a house warming party...(women included...the right/positive women anyway)

ah well...all things in their time....

signed...pffft...humph....blue

flower-child Frankenstein

It is strange how being exhausted can let the mind see clearly, with pointed focus...drained and unable to look at more than a single minute bit...

I am exhausted and have been overcome by these moments of clarity of late...

my body is healing and tired...my mind is wasted and drained...and yet I see things so rawly...

I discovered in listening to my young friend who has deemed me his "mentor" (scary) that truly listening can be both exhausting and revelatory...

I have been talking a great deal of late...well not so much a great deal...i more have been talking in sporadic torrents...endlessly circling whatever subject happens to be assaulting my mind at the moment...then long silences over take me...silences that make it hard to even give an "h-huh" to those nearby...

one glimpse of clarity has shown me that much of what i say is said out of my own perception of expectations...the world expects that one will be angry at this or frustrated by that...the world expects that one will tell excited stories of ones adventures...so i have been saying the words that show this...rarely deeply feeling any of the anger or frustration...

I speak...sometimes on and on...to fulfill my expected role as a member...

another glimpse has shown me that i speak to hide...i talk about the mundane things to hide the extraordinary (as is odd rather than as in grand) things that i am actually thinking...i am not sure why i do this...the only guess i can make is that i was so often teased as a youngster for my "shyness" (which wasn't so much shyness as it was a tendency toward acute observation rather than participation)...then i was also teased when i would speak up and what i had to say was so far removed from "the expected"/"the accepted"...so, i think i just started imitating the kind jabbering those around me engaged in...

another moment of clarity showed that i think i speak of some mundane things seeking the affirmation that others are actually seeing what i see...i have often found that i am not perceiving or participating in the generally shared vision or point-of-view...I am not sure i have come to terms with accepting that difference in myself as okay...i don't think i am crazy or "special"...I just grew up in a very different environment than average...therefore my learned perspective is a bit askew from "the norm"...

people who talk a lot are exhausting...maybe that is why so few people enjoy my company lately...this talking a lot thing is new for me...maybe because all things about my life have been so new for me since i lost the hovering protection of my father...

I guess the hardest thing for me to truly understand is why i have taken up this talking...I think it may actually be a way to keep people at a distance...a way to make sure that they don't get close enough to see inside and discover how truly odd i am...i can no longer run home to daddy where it is safe to just be me...

this protective shell may be an instinctual defense as well...i had learned a bit about the nasty nature of people and the world in general before i was thrust out here on my own...and I have learned so much more in these two years...

What I have learned:

-people like mean selfish deceitful bitches...not nice people who genuinely care for others (and try to do so actively/with their deeds as often as they can)
-people do not like people who tell the truth
-people do not like people who don't need or expect things from others...particularly if those without needs or expectations can provide for themselves
-people DO like people who use other people as a means to gain material things...especially when the users get angry at the usees when the material objects are denied them...and people have even more affinity for those who get openly angry and indignant about not getting what they want
-people think nice people are stupid and weak
-people think that people who "don't sweat the small stuff" are targets for being used, lied to, unappreciated and slandered...because they don't throw temper tantrums every time they are mistreated
-people don't like generous people
-people do not respect other people's space or belongings...however they expect to have their spaces and belongings respected
-men do not like women who care for and value them as people (rather than as meal tickets or sex objects)
-my parents made a mistake when they undertook this Utopian experiment in child rearing...i know for a fact that i was "programmed" from birth to manifest the things that the collective society claims to be virtuous...I am no saint...no manifest perfection...but i am distasteful in my resemblance to "what's good"...

I am truly clinical about my nature lately...I do not see all of this ingrained honesty and generosity and active caring as a manifestation of some higher good...i only wonder...and even suffer...over the fact that i was "made" this way (by parents who i am sure had good intentions)...made the way people claim people should be...the way people often wrongly proclaim themselves to be...and in the end, I am just an unlikable oddity that people seek to disdain...

or, for some, the reality of me is an ephemeral figment that people refuse to believe in...people figure i must not be "for real" so they begin attaching ulterior motives to my every word and deed...

I am sick of living out this Pavlovian experiment in virtue...I wonder if it is too late for this dog to to learn a new trick?...to learn to truly be a selfish bitch (rather than just faining the role for show at those moments when i have learned that acting bitchy is more socially desirable than reaching out with compassion...after all, unconditional unsolicited LOVE scares people...bitches are comfortable...because bitches people understand).

no wonder my mother thinks i should move back home...she knows...she may even feel guilty...that i am not ready for such an ugly world world full of ugly hearted people...or is it that the world is not ready for me...the embodiment of a flower-child Frankenstein

one last thought...why is it that when, after enduring more human "ick" than almost anyone would tolerate, when my virtue finally fails me and i fall from all my grace...why then am i seen as a villain beyond all villains??? when i finally get mad...say i have had enough...tell those who take advantage of my ingrained generosity to quit their unappreciative demands for "more more NOW NOW"...why am i seen as wrong for balking against usurious greed...while the user is seen as justified in demanding more and more and appreciating less and less--to be patted on the back and coddled by "the people" with warm words of "I know, I know...she had no right to treat you that way...she had no right to tell you the truth about your unappreciative greed...she soooo soooo mean"

this entry is signed...next time just cut off a limb...or the next person in need who crosses my path is getting kicked in the fucking teeth!! Fuck bailing people out...fuck offering moral support...fuck loving the beauty within these bastards...

signed...kiss blue's ass...