house unclearing LOL

well...I was supposed to have a house cleansing ceremony last Friday...this is a part of my native american heritage (smudged sage, candles, etc...)...I consulted with a friend who is well versed in these things and he advised that I only include men in the ceremony...as all of the negativity in my life of late has been coiled up in women...and, as he put it, I have enough female energy to send a herd of musking elephants into a frenzy all on my own...LOL...

men...humph...I once wrote a poem called "some kind of broken" about men (another post maybe)...only one of the 6 men invited actually made it here...4 had very good reasons...ranging from being out of the state, to having to work because of the Jewish holiday, to my having planned this thing on such short notice...the sixth just did not show...i still hope/worry that all is okay with him, as I have heard nothing...but that in itself is a whole 'nother story...and that is also quite forgivably "just him"....

the house cleansing ceremony needed 3 people...in the version I had planned anyway...and it is okay that the cleansing did not happen because i really had not done all the cleaning I wanted to complete before cleansing...so the bread breaking and wine drinking with the one man who showed was a pleasant substitute...

I guess I will have to have a cleansing after the furniture and stuff is moved in...which was not what I wanted, but oh well...i will find a time for the house cleansing before I have a house warming...and I am looking forward to throwing myself a house warming party...(women included...the right/positive women anyway)

ah well...all things in their time....

signed...pffft...humph....blue

flower-child Frankenstein

It is strange how being exhausted can let the mind see clearly, with pointed focus...drained and unable to look at more than a single minute bit...

I am exhausted and have been overcome by these moments of clarity of late...

my body is healing and tired...my mind is wasted and drained...and yet I see things so rawly...

I discovered in listening to my young friend who has deemed me his "mentor" (scary) that truly listening can be both exhausting and revelatory...

I have been talking a great deal of late...well not so much a great deal...i more have been talking in sporadic torrents...endlessly circling whatever subject happens to be assaulting my mind at the moment...then long silences over take me...silences that make it hard to even give an "h-huh" to those nearby...

one glimpse of clarity has shown me that much of what i say is said out of my own perception of expectations...the world expects that one will be angry at this or frustrated by that...the world expects that one will tell excited stories of ones adventures...so i have been saying the words that show this...rarely deeply feeling any of the anger or frustration...

I speak...sometimes on and on...to fulfill my expected role as a member...

another glimpse has shown me that i speak to hide...i talk about the mundane things to hide the extraordinary (as is odd rather than as in grand) things that i am actually thinking...i am not sure why i do this...the only guess i can make is that i was so often teased as a youngster for my "shyness" (which wasn't so much shyness as it was a tendency toward acute observation rather than participation)...then i was also teased when i would speak up and what i had to say was so far removed from "the expected"/"the accepted"...so, i think i just started imitating the kind jabbering those around me engaged in...

another moment of clarity showed that i think i speak of some mundane things seeking the affirmation that others are actually seeing what i see...i have often found that i am not perceiving or participating in the generally shared vision or point-of-view...I am not sure i have come to terms with accepting that difference in myself as okay...i don't think i am crazy or "special"...I just grew up in a very different environment than average...therefore my learned perspective is a bit askew from "the norm"...

people who talk a lot are exhausting...maybe that is why so few people enjoy my company lately...this talking a lot thing is new for me...maybe because all things about my life have been so new for me since i lost the hovering protection of my father...

I guess the hardest thing for me to truly understand is why i have taken up this talking...I think it may actually be a way to keep people at a distance...a way to make sure that they don't get close enough to see inside and discover how truly odd i am...i can no longer run home to daddy where it is safe to just be me...

this protective shell may be an instinctual defense as well...i had learned a bit about the nasty nature of people and the world in general before i was thrust out here on my own...and I have learned so much more in these two years...

What I have learned:

-people like mean selfish deceitful bitches...not nice people who genuinely care for others (and try to do so actively/with their deeds as often as they can)
-people do not like people who tell the truth
-people do not like people who don't need or expect things from others...particularly if those without needs or expectations can provide for themselves
-people DO like people who use other people as a means to gain material things...especially when the users get angry at the usees when the material objects are denied them...and people have even more affinity for those who get openly angry and indignant about not getting what they want
-people think nice people are stupid and weak
-people think that people who "don't sweat the small stuff" are targets for being used, lied to, unappreciated and slandered...because they don't throw temper tantrums every time they are mistreated
-people don't like generous people
-people do not respect other people's space or belongings...however they expect to have their spaces and belongings respected
-men do not like women who care for and value them as people (rather than as meal tickets or sex objects)
-my parents made a mistake when they undertook this Utopian experiment in child rearing...i know for a fact that i was "programmed" from birth to manifest the things that the collective society claims to be virtuous...I am no saint...no manifest perfection...but i am distasteful in my resemblance to "what's good"...

I am truly clinical about my nature lately...I do not see all of this ingrained honesty and generosity and active caring as a manifestation of some higher good...i only wonder...and even suffer...over the fact that i was "made" this way (by parents who i am sure had good intentions)...made the way people claim people should be...the way people often wrongly proclaim themselves to be...and in the end, I am just an unlikable oddity that people seek to disdain...

or, for some, the reality of me is an ephemeral figment that people refuse to believe in...people figure i must not be "for real" so they begin attaching ulterior motives to my every word and deed...

I am sick of living out this Pavlovian experiment in virtue...I wonder if it is too late for this dog to to learn a new trick?...to learn to truly be a selfish bitch (rather than just faining the role for show at those moments when i have learned that acting bitchy is more socially desirable than reaching out with compassion...after all, unconditional unsolicited LOVE scares people...bitches are comfortable...because bitches people understand).

no wonder my mother thinks i should move back home...she knows...she may even feel guilty...that i am not ready for such an ugly world world full of ugly hearted people...or is it that the world is not ready for me...the embodiment of a flower-child Frankenstein

one last thought...why is it that when, after enduring more human "ick" than almost anyone would tolerate, when my virtue finally fails me and i fall from all my grace...why then am i seen as a villain beyond all villains??? when i finally get mad...say i have had enough...tell those who take advantage of my ingrained generosity to quit their unappreciative demands for "more more NOW NOW"...why am i seen as wrong for balking against usurious greed...while the user is seen as justified in demanding more and more and appreciating less and less--to be patted on the back and coddled by "the people" with warm words of "I know, I know...she had no right to treat you that way...she had no right to tell you the truth about your unappreciative greed...she soooo soooo mean"

this entry is signed...next time just cut off a limb...or the next person in need who crosses my path is getting kicked in the fucking teeth!! Fuck bailing people out...fuck offering moral support...fuck loving the beauty within these bastards...

signed...kiss blue's ass...

he asked why...he asked who...trust...and words more than weapons

"I want you to know me." "why?" he asked...I said I did not know...but I think we both do know...I him to know me because I want him...what does it mean to want him?...i truly do not know what all that entails...his company, his companionship, to enjoy all the wonderful things he is...to learn from all the less than wonderful...to bask in his brightness...to explore and discover on his dark places...to learn to trust and understand him him in all of his multiplicities...most of all to experience my own feelings again...for so long my feelings/emotions have been locked away...and without knowing why or that it would happen...whoosh...he makes me feel...the deepest and warmest things & and the shallowest of joyous things & the painful and wrenching things...all of it...he also makes me know that i can not grow if i do not feel...I want to know him because he has some power/magic to place me back on the path toward becoming...i hope toward becoming the best of me...or at least a better me...

I had a bizarre experience this week... involving being accused of things i am incapable of...one in which i was threatened...one I choose to allow to be in the past without rehashing it here or anywhere else...yet one piece of it lingers...he asked me over and over if i could think of anyone i had spoken to who might have started the saga by revealing what I had said...as he asked me it crossed my mind that he asked over and over because he knew who...but i did not want to think that he would not just come out and tell me if he knew...after the conversation the question "was it him?" crossed my mind...I will always wonder...but I doubt I will ever ask...because as a part of the next issue "trust" i want to choose to believe that whether it was him or someone else he knew of he would have just told me the truth...

i want so much to trust this man...it is almost irrational...i did tell him that i did not trust him...that was a truth...he knows he has a way of saying he will be glad to help then never appearing to offer assistance...he knows he has a way of making "dates" then canceling or simply not showing up...i think we had a good honest conversation about the subject...yet afterward I was left with the feeling that two important things were never said...1. he said more than once that I had trusted him to pick me up in his car (one a short trip, one a gallant long journey that was truly a kind sacrifice...i was disturbed a little by his repeating "you trusted me to drive you..." it troubled me that he may have seen my asking those acts of support from him then stating later that i did not trust him constituted me somehow "using him"...i can only hope that he knows that is so very untrue...my feelings of distrust came upon me suddenly and after both of those great favors...and I appreciate ever little thing and every big thing he has ever done for me...a depth of appreciation I am not sure I could find words to express...i also want him to understand that where my trust is concerned the little things and the big ones hold equal weight...a short trip to the movie theater and an hours-long drive are the same for me in terms of the trust i place in a person carrying through...lastly, there are many layers and kinds of trust...only the layer involving "showing up/ giving of his time" has been damaged with me...I still deeply trust this man not to hurt me (emotionally or physically)...I still deeply trust this man to "be on my side" (speak well of me and help me succeed in my ambitions in any way he can)...I want to regain all levels of trust in him more than I can say...but to repair my trust in his desire to give me the gift of sharing his time will take actions...it will take him actually giving me the gift of his time...right now I feel as though I am not valuable enough to him to receive the gift of his company...only he could change that...if he wanted...if he does not want to change that...I am sure i will eventually abandon my hope and find a place to store that piece of sad disappointment on the internal shelf with the other disappointments that have come to me in my life...

in telling him i did not trust him, i admit i used my words as weapons...but in the last conversation we had he called my words "poetic"...yet and still I left that conversation feeling that the impression he held foremost in his mind was the one of my words as daggers...I truly hope he also sees/remembers that my words iterate love and praise and find their way to describing the beauty in this world...sometimes in ways that others can find quite moving...even, sometimes, in ways that bring people to see wonder they had never noticed before...my words can be my armor and weapons...yes...but that is not the majority of what my words convey...

well...it is a moving on time in my life...I have known this for some months now...I had thought that moving on necessarily meant moving away...but i have come to realize that there are many things I have yet to learn from being here...though I would never burden anyone with the responsibility of "being the reason i stayed"...well, to be fully honest...i do not think anyone could be the reason I stay...at least I have not found that bond with anyone yet...that said...I will also be totally honest and admit...though it is certainly not the entire reason...having a chance/giving myself a chance...to know this man (if he will give me the chance) and having him know me played at least some part in my choice to stay...but if that chance is not given...I will not regret having stayed...there are many other factors...it is important to me that he does not feel "pressured/responsibilities" by or for my remaining...

How to you let someone know that they are important to you...for apparently no reason at all...I wish I could share time with him...but not sharing time does not make him any less important to me...it does not diminish my view of him a a beautiful, unique blessing in the world...it does not diminish my wish that more people could truly see that in him...he is by no means saintly or perfect...but he is unique..

On the fact that he makes me feel: the writer Eckhart Tolle speaks to the fact that we can not grow unless we face what he calls our "pain body"...I choose to believe that, equally, we can not grow if we do not face our "joy body"...to face either of these things we (humans) much be in touch with and deeply experience our feelings as tools for learning of ourselves and our connection to the universe...it has been true that I have been emotionally and spiritually stagnant because I simply did not feel...Tolle also says that, if two people can make a conscious pact to share in the process of growth, even the negative feelings they spark in one another can be a point of learning....i believe that this is equally (more than equally) true of the wonderful feelings that can only arise from sharing of ourselves with others...

He has told me that my saying I love him scares him, he has told me that he shies from the way in which I stir long hidden emotions in him...i do not want to bring him discomfort...so i will understand his keeping a distance from me...

I am busy now...so many changes in my life...but i will think of him fondly and often in the quite spaces between the hustle and bustle...i can only wait and see if I am lucky enough/worthy enough for him to find me a desirable use of his time...

he is always in my wishes and prayers for wellness and joy...

ah well...time to get back to the cybergrind and the brick and mortar chaos...

as always....love blue