he asked why...he asked who...trust...and words more than weapons

"I want you to know me." "why?" he asked...I said I did not know...but I think we both do know...I him to know me because I want him...what does it mean to want him?...i truly do not know what all that entails...his company, his companionship, to enjoy all the wonderful things he is...to learn from all the less than wonderful...to bask in his brightness...to explore and discover on his dark places...to learn to trust and understand him him in all of his multiplicities...most of all to experience my own feelings again...for so long my feelings/emotions have been locked away...and without knowing why or that it would happen...whoosh...he makes me feel...the deepest and warmest things & and the shallowest of joyous things & the painful and wrenching things...all of it...he also makes me know that i can not grow if i do not feel...I want to know him because he has some power/magic to place me back on the path toward becoming...i hope toward becoming the best of me...or at least a better me...

I had a bizarre experience this week... involving being accused of things i am incapable of...one in which i was threatened...one I choose to allow to be in the past without rehashing it here or anywhere else...yet one piece of it lingers...he asked me over and over if i could think of anyone i had spoken to who might have started the saga by revealing what I had said...as he asked me it crossed my mind that he asked over and over because he knew who...but i did not want to think that he would not just come out and tell me if he knew...after the conversation the question "was it him?" crossed my mind...I will always wonder...but I doubt I will ever ask...because as a part of the next issue "trust" i want to choose to believe that whether it was him or someone else he knew of he would have just told me the truth...

i want so much to trust this man...it is almost irrational...i did tell him that i did not trust him...that was a truth...he knows he has a way of saying he will be glad to help then never appearing to offer assistance...he knows he has a way of making "dates" then canceling or simply not showing up...i think we had a good honest conversation about the subject...yet afterward I was left with the feeling that two important things were never said...1. he said more than once that I had trusted him to pick me up in his car (one a short trip, one a gallant long journey that was truly a kind sacrifice...i was disturbed a little by his repeating "you trusted me to drive you..." it troubled me that he may have seen my asking those acts of support from him then stating later that i did not trust him constituted me somehow "using him"...i can only hope that he knows that is so very untrue...my feelings of distrust came upon me suddenly and after both of those great favors...and I appreciate ever little thing and every big thing he has ever done for me...a depth of appreciation I am not sure I could find words to express...i also want him to understand that where my trust is concerned the little things and the big ones hold equal weight...a short trip to the movie theater and an hours-long drive are the same for me in terms of the trust i place in a person carrying through...lastly, there are many layers and kinds of trust...only the layer involving "showing up/ giving of his time" has been damaged with me...I still deeply trust this man not to hurt me (emotionally or physically)...I still deeply trust this man to "be on my side" (speak well of me and help me succeed in my ambitions in any way he can)...I want to regain all levels of trust in him more than I can say...but to repair my trust in his desire to give me the gift of sharing his time will take actions...it will take him actually giving me the gift of his time...right now I feel as though I am not valuable enough to him to receive the gift of his company...only he could change that...if he wanted...if he does not want to change that...I am sure i will eventually abandon my hope and find a place to store that piece of sad disappointment on the internal shelf with the other disappointments that have come to me in my life...

in telling him i did not trust him, i admit i used my words as weapons...but in the last conversation we had he called my words "poetic"...yet and still I left that conversation feeling that the impression he held foremost in his mind was the one of my words as daggers...I truly hope he also sees/remembers that my words iterate love and praise and find their way to describing the beauty in this world...sometimes in ways that others can find quite moving...even, sometimes, in ways that bring people to see wonder they had never noticed before...my words can be my armor and weapons...yes...but that is not the majority of what my words convey...

well...it is a moving on time in my life...I have known this for some months now...I had thought that moving on necessarily meant moving away...but i have come to realize that there are many things I have yet to learn from being here...though I would never burden anyone with the responsibility of "being the reason i stayed"...well, to be fully honest...i do not think anyone could be the reason I stay...at least I have not found that bond with anyone yet...that said...I will also be totally honest and admit...though it is certainly not the entire reason...having a chance/giving myself a chance...to know this man (if he will give me the chance) and having him know me played at least some part in my choice to stay...but if that chance is not given...I will not regret having stayed...there are many other factors...it is important to me that he does not feel "pressured/responsibilities" by or for my remaining...

How to you let someone know that they are important to you...for apparently no reason at all...I wish I could share time with him...but not sharing time does not make him any less important to me...it does not diminish my view of him a a beautiful, unique blessing in the world...it does not diminish my wish that more people could truly see that in him...he is by no means saintly or perfect...but he is unique..

On the fact that he makes me feel: the writer Eckhart Tolle speaks to the fact that we can not grow unless we face what he calls our "pain body"...I choose to believe that, equally, we can not grow if we do not face our "joy body"...to face either of these things we (humans) much be in touch with and deeply experience our feelings as tools for learning of ourselves and our connection to the universe...it has been true that I have been emotionally and spiritually stagnant because I simply did not feel...Tolle also says that, if two people can make a conscious pact to share in the process of growth, even the negative feelings they spark in one another can be a point of learning....i believe that this is equally (more than equally) true of the wonderful feelings that can only arise from sharing of ourselves with others...

He has told me that my saying I love him scares him, he has told me that he shies from the way in which I stir long hidden emotions in him...i do not want to bring him discomfort...so i will understand his keeping a distance from me...

I am busy now...so many changes in my life...but i will think of him fondly and often in the quite spaces between the hustle and bustle...i can only wait and see if I am lucky enough/worthy enough for him to find me a desirable use of his time...

he is always in my wishes and prayers for wellness and joy...

ah well...time to get back to the cybergrind and the brick and mortar chaos...

as always....love blue