flower-child Frankenstein

It is strange how being exhausted can let the mind see clearly, with pointed focus...drained and unable to look at more than a single minute bit...

I am exhausted and have been overcome by these moments of clarity of late...

my body is healing and tired...my mind is wasted and drained...and yet I see things so rawly...

I discovered in listening to my young friend who has deemed me his "mentor" (scary) that truly listening can be both exhausting and revelatory...

I have been talking a great deal of late...well not so much a great deal...i more have been talking in sporadic torrents...endlessly circling whatever subject happens to be assaulting my mind at the moment...then long silences over take me...silences that make it hard to even give an "h-huh" to those nearby...

one glimpse of clarity has shown me that much of what i say is said out of my own perception of expectations...the world expects that one will be angry at this or frustrated by that...the world expects that one will tell excited stories of ones adventures...so i have been saying the words that show this...rarely deeply feeling any of the anger or frustration...

I speak...sometimes on and on...to fulfill my expected role as a member...

another glimpse has shown me that i speak to hide...i talk about the mundane things to hide the extraordinary (as is odd rather than as in grand) things that i am actually thinking...i am not sure why i do this...the only guess i can make is that i was so often teased as a youngster for my "shyness" (which wasn't so much shyness as it was a tendency toward acute observation rather than participation)...then i was also teased when i would speak up and what i had to say was so far removed from "the expected"/"the accepted"...so, i think i just started imitating the kind jabbering those around me engaged in...

another moment of clarity showed that i think i speak of some mundane things seeking the affirmation that others are actually seeing what i see...i have often found that i am not perceiving or participating in the generally shared vision or point-of-view...I am not sure i have come to terms with accepting that difference in myself as okay...i don't think i am crazy or "special"...I just grew up in a very different environment than average...therefore my learned perspective is a bit askew from "the norm"...

people who talk a lot are exhausting...maybe that is why so few people enjoy my company lately...this talking a lot thing is new for me...maybe because all things about my life have been so new for me since i lost the hovering protection of my father...

I guess the hardest thing for me to truly understand is why i have taken up this talking...I think it may actually be a way to keep people at a distance...a way to make sure that they don't get close enough to see inside and discover how truly odd i am...i can no longer run home to daddy where it is safe to just be me...

this protective shell may be an instinctual defense as well...i had learned a bit about the nasty nature of people and the world in general before i was thrust out here on my own...and I have learned so much more in these two years...

What I have learned:

-people like mean selfish deceitful bitches...not nice people who genuinely care for others (and try to do so actively/with their deeds as often as they can)
-people do not like people who tell the truth
-people do not like people who don't need or expect things from others...particularly if those without needs or expectations can provide for themselves
-people DO like people who use other people as a means to gain material things...especially when the users get angry at the usees when the material objects are denied them...and people have even more affinity for those who get openly angry and indignant about not getting what they want
-people think nice people are stupid and weak
-people think that people who "don't sweat the small stuff" are targets for being used, lied to, unappreciated and slandered...because they don't throw temper tantrums every time they are mistreated
-people don't like generous people
-people do not respect other people's space or belongings...however they expect to have their spaces and belongings respected
-men do not like women who care for and value them as people (rather than as meal tickets or sex objects)
-my parents made a mistake when they undertook this Utopian experiment in child rearing...i know for a fact that i was "programmed" from birth to manifest the things that the collective society claims to be virtuous...I am no saint...no manifest perfection...but i am distasteful in my resemblance to "what's good"...

I am truly clinical about my nature lately...I do not see all of this ingrained honesty and generosity and active caring as a manifestation of some higher good...i only wonder...and even suffer...over the fact that i was "made" this way (by parents who i am sure had good intentions)...made the way people claim people should be...the way people often wrongly proclaim themselves to be...and in the end, I am just an unlikable oddity that people seek to disdain...

or, for some, the reality of me is an ephemeral figment that people refuse to believe in...people figure i must not be "for real" so they begin attaching ulterior motives to my every word and deed...

I am sick of living out this Pavlovian experiment in virtue...I wonder if it is too late for this dog to to learn a new trick?...to learn to truly be a selfish bitch (rather than just faining the role for show at those moments when i have learned that acting bitchy is more socially desirable than reaching out with compassion...after all, unconditional unsolicited LOVE scares people...bitches are comfortable...because bitches people understand).

no wonder my mother thinks i should move back home...she knows...she may even feel guilty...that i am not ready for such an ugly world world full of ugly hearted people...or is it that the world is not ready for me...the embodiment of a flower-child Frankenstein

one last thought...why is it that when, after enduring more human "ick" than almost anyone would tolerate, when my virtue finally fails me and i fall from all my grace...why then am i seen as a villain beyond all villains??? when i finally get mad...say i have had enough...tell those who take advantage of my ingrained generosity to quit their unappreciative demands for "more more NOW NOW"...why am i seen as wrong for balking against usurious greed...while the user is seen as justified in demanding more and more and appreciating less and less--to be patted on the back and coddled by "the people" with warm words of "I know, I know...she had no right to treat you that way...she had no right to tell you the truth about your unappreciative greed...she soooo soooo mean"

this entry is signed...next time just cut off a limb...or the next person in need who crosses my path is getting kicked in the fucking teeth!! Fuck bailing people out...fuck offering moral support...fuck loving the beauty within these bastards...

signed...kiss blue's ass...